


I Wish You Were Here

by Xeiana



Category: Kamen Rider Drive
Genre: Chase is dead, Emotional Roller Coaster, M/M, Post-Series, Sleep deprived hallucinations, There is still hope!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 08:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5701738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xeiana/pseuds/Xeiana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Night was never a good time for Gou. Even after a year and a half, he could still remember seeing Chase's core rise above the flames and break. That was the day he died inside, when the man he had loved was gone forever. His subconscious would always play with him, reliving memories and scenarios where he revives Chase, but he would always scream in agony when reality settled in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish You Were Here

**Author's Note:**

> This had been in the works for a while, yet since it is an emotional rollercoaster, I feel like I may have slid out of character for Gou... Even so, I hope you enjoy the angst and feels Also yes I know 'reviving' Chase had been done with Proto-Speed representing his mind/memories and Signal Chaser representing his body, but I kinda could see Rinna having implanted some data of Chase's memories into the latter too. Just a little theory of mine, no biggie. The more I look at the middle of this, the more I think it was too rushed, even when I kept expanding it again and again. It was the last thing I wrote because I kept rewriting it! So frustrating!

Night was never a good time for Gou. Even after the long hours of helping Professor Harley with his research during the daytime and being almost too exhausted to eat dinner, he could never sleep well. He tossed and turned, sometimes the dreams were so vivid he thought it was reality. The Professor had tried to lessen the workload he placed on him, but it never helped. The nightmares still continued, as did the exhaustion and running himself ragged. Even though a year and a half, give or take a few weeks, has passed since that day, he could never get over it. His heart had shattered the moment he saw what Chase had done for him. The moment Gou saw his core rise above the flames and break. That was the day he died inside, when the man he had loved was gone forever.

There were times when his dreams had been kind to him and his subconscious let him dream of memories past, of those wonderful times of helping Chase experience humanity in all its wonders. Of learning acceptance, happiness, friendship, and most of all, love. Even with such rare dreams those nights, they made him break down. He woke up smiling, body twisting one way and hands seeking for that familiar body of warmth, but finding nothing but cold sheets.

He always screamed in agony when reality settled in.

. . .

Dark eyes slowly fluttered open. Something pressed against his back, warm and soft. Mind hazy from sleep, he smiled. One arm slowly moved down to where his waist was, seeking the hand that should have been resting there… Groping for it, it took a second for him to realize that Chase’s hand wasn’t there. A grunt slipped through his lips and he turned around, shuffling closer to the warmth.

“Chase…” he mumbled, nuzzling into the soft fabric…? Fabric? Blinking to clear his vision and attempting to see through the darkness, he pulled back and touched what he had been nuzzling. That wasn’t Chase’s shirt… Patting the surface, he sat up. A pillow? He looked around, mind still sluggish. Where did he go? He never left the bed at night, not even… Something wet dripped down his cheek. Hesitantly, Gou raised his hand to wipe at it, tasting salt from where it skirted his lips. A tear, but why –

A dim hint of blue, lit by the soft light from a street lamp outside the half-closed curtains, had caught his eye. Chase’s license was propped up by a photograph of the two of them. His eyes drifted away from the license – it should have been in the other’s wallet – to the picture. Kiriko had taken it of them at a festival, with fireworks in the background. It had been hard to get Chase to stop staring up at the sky in awe, but he had managed. With Gou’s arm wrapped around the purple-clad man, Chase had a small smile that still made Gou’s chest swell with happiness.

It wasn’t just a small crinkling of his eyes and a tiny upturn of his lips, no, he had managed to get the other to finally relax around them and to experience more emotions than he had originally been used to. Another tear slid down his cheek, Gou jerking back at the sensation. Why was he crying? A small object had been laid down near the photograph, almost hidden from sight. Signal Chaser? What was it doing –

Gou’s mind stopped working and he clapped a hand over his mouth to stop a sudden sob that wracked his body. The sluggish feeling from having woken up cleared away as his mind finally caught up to his wakened self. Chase… Chase was... He-! Gou’s other hand shakily reached out for the small bike, cradling it in his hands like it was the most precious thing around. In this case, it was. He could still see the marred surface of the once sentient object, burn marks scarring the paint and deep gouges from the fight still remained. Yet the life that once inhabited it was gone – it hadn’t moved since Chase had… Since he… Professor Harley said it looked to be damaged beyond repair from the fight and that there may not be any chance to salvage it.

“Chase.” Normally hearing such a pathetic whimper coming from his own lips would have made Gou feel sickened for showing weakness. Too long had he tried to be strong for his sister yet now…? Fingers tightly clenched over the bike, burning tears coursing down his face with little intent on stopping. He was gone. Why? Why did that stupid robot, that stupid Chase, have to sacrifice himself?

It wasn’t fair; Chase still had so much to learn about humanity, to experience, and to see. The other had finally broken out of his normal stoic self and began to smile more, small ones here and there, but his face had been so full of life, had looked so _human_. If there was anyone in the world who deserved to live, it had been him. After everything he had been through, why did he have to so selflessly cast his life away, putting everyone above his own life?

“Damn you Chase… You stupid… stupid…” Gou’s voice became strained as he began to hiccup, clenching his teeth until his jaw began to ache in order to stop himself. Unable to complete his sentence, Gou wrapped his arms around him as he hunched over, drawing his knees up to his chest. Memories assaulted him left and right, memories that were only making his mindset deteriorate even more.

Fingers found themselves weaving into his hair, pulling the strands hard as if the pain would wash everything else away. A muffles scream still made its way past tightly shut lips, chest heaving from the repressed cries of anguish. Without thinking, a pillow was sent across the room, hitting the desk and sending several miscellaneous items crashing to the ground.

He didn’t care. He couldn’t bring himself to. What was that compared to losing the man he had loved? No matter how many things he could throw, no matter how hard he tried to pound his mattress, he never could relieve himself of the overwhelming emotions that tore through him. Kiriko couldn’t help, not even Shin-nii-san. They tried, oh had they tried, yet Gou only became more distant and eventually came back to America with the Professor. He still had been desperate to get him to help him bring Chase back, but as the older man said…

_‘It’s not the time for that yet, my boy… You have to give it time. Rushing into things like this will only make things worse and prevent your heart from healing.’_

It was an understatement to say he had raged at Professor Harley. The old man took it well, simply letting Gou yell and scream until he was hoarse and then drew him close in a big crushing hug. A choked chuckle sounded forth, the tip of his lips twitching upwards only to fall back into a grimace. All this research ended up being about the Roidmudes, using data Krim had thought Harley had erased. It was the only reason why Gou had finally agreed to help, why he constantly overworked himself to the point of exhaustion.

It still never changed the fact that Chase has been gone for so long, had missed so much. Hell, they had even left an empty seat for him where they ate at Kiriko and Shinnosuke’s wedding, and played a tribute to him by naming him the second Best Man and a spot next to Gou at the altar.

“You shouldn’t have jumped in the way.” The whisper dropped from his words, hanging in the silence that followed. Fingers trembled from where they were clutching and unclutching the blanket underneath them. It felt wrong to use Signal Chaser and the Viral Cores to defeat Banno. They could have defeated him together and went to help Shinnosuke.

“You would have died if I had not acted quickly.” A shock ran through Gou, head shooting up and eyes widening. He knew that voice. Eyes darting over to where Chase’s side of the bed was, his breath caught in his throat. The Roidmude was sitting there, one leg stretched out while the other was bent up, leaning on the headboard as if he had always been there. Gou was hallucinating, he had to be. Too little sleep from tossing and turning, from staying up as late as he could before his body crashed on him. But he was there.

With a trembling hand, Gou reached out, fingertips caressing Chase’s cheek hesitantly. Hallucination or not, he felt so real, so familiar that it was making his head spin. He couldn’t say anything, any words he tried to form ended up getting stuck in his throat, unable to properly express how good, even though he probably wasn’t real, it was to see him, to _touch_ him. Even as Gou’s fingers still traveled over the expanse of his face, no doubt tracing long ago memorized outlines, the robot parted his lips to speak, a hint of seriousness dwelling in his eyes.

“I do not regret what I did. Gou, to see you die…” Here the Roidmude hesitated, those dark eyes dropping from Gou’s gaze to stare at the sheet beneath him in an attempt to conjure up the words he had to say. The Mach Rider flinched back, fingers drawing away as if burned, teeth tightly clenched and glancing away. Silence reigned over the two, Chase still staring down at his feet, while Gou’s eyes fluttered shut to hide the pain that had already been seen by the Roidmude.

“But _you_ died instead.” Unconcerned with how loud he was that late at night, at how his voice literally _broke_ halfway through his sentence, Gou pounded the yielding mattress below him. Fist slowly shaking, nails digging deep into his skin, he could only just shake his head.

“You were so selfless, so ready to sacrifice yourself so that we can live. Why couldn’t you be so concerned with your own life? You had family, friends, you had me! You had so much you could have done. We could… we could have found a way.” A raised eyebrow was all that answered his words. Chase took his time to collect his words while Gou tried to calm himself down.

“Your life is worth more than mine. I would not have been able to continue living if I had failed to save you. You are too precious to me to lose.”

_‘Your life is worth more than mine.’_

Gou’s eyes burned with a fiery passion, slight anger radiating within them as he turned to face Chase.

“You _idiot_! You think your life is worthless-”

“Gou, I did not intend for it to sound that way, I only meant –” The Roidmude’s mouth closed in a thin line when Gou interrupted him with an angry glare.

“I don’t give a crap about how your programming had said that you should always protect the humans, but damnit Chase, _you_ were human to me, to us.” Gou’s eyes softened, reaching up to cup the other’s cheeks, eyes darting back and forth between those dark eyes.

“You’re just as human as any of us, regardless of if you are a Roidmude or not…” The words were trembling when they left his lips. Chase relaxed underneath his fingers, a sigh issuing forth. Gou knew how much it had meant to the other that they considered him a human regardless of his origins. He leaned in, heart thudding against his chest as their lips met for a brief moment. It felt too familiar, too real…

Gou drew back, staring into rich dark eyes that he had never grown tired of. He shifted closer, tucking his head underneath Chase’s head, the complete opposite of what normally happened between them. Their roles seemed to have been reversed, yet Chase seemed to either not notice, or not minded. Words cold not come to him, forming only to slip away from his tongue. For once his tongue had failed him, yet he couldn’t bring himself to care.

It was quiet, so quiet, but he didn’t wish to break it, contest to lean against his lover and bathe in his overwhelming warmth. The phrase ‘I love you’ tumbled around in his head, yet got stuck in his throat whenever he tried to voice it, but when Chase’s cheek rested against his head, it was as if he sensed what Gou could not say.

“Hey Chase?” It took a while before the dark-haired Rider responded back at him. It was strange. Chase was normally silent, yet this one was… different? Through the emotional turmoil, it was hard to focus on deciphering why.

“Yes Gou?” Chase’s eyes drifted downwards to the boy’s head, which remained on his chest. He waited patiently for whatever Gou had wanted to say. The Mach user frowned, breathing in deeply to gather his courage, he chanced looking up at the Roidmude’s face.

“You’re just a dream, a hallucination, aren’t you? Something my mind has created to prevent myself from breaking down again.” Those few words shattered everything around him, wanting to curl in on himself despite how he tried to steel himself. After a moment’s hesitation, Gou began to sit up, pushing away from Chase when the other’s hand tightened on his shoulder to prevent him from moving. There was another unspoken question that begged to be spoken, yet Gou was afraid to voice it.

_‘Will I ever be able to bring you back?’_ There was no way he could ask that aloud. The possible answer terrified him.

Chase, stoic silent Chase… He never answered, even though the slight changes in his facial features gave hints on the possible answer. Eyes became downcast, softening around the edges and a sad smile slowly blossomed across his lips. Gou’s heart lurched as it crumbled into dust.

“Sleep Gou.” Chase whispered, his warm arms pulling him closer even as he half-heartedly tried to protest. He didn’t want to sleep, didn’t want to leave him... The protest died on the tip of his tongue, his eyes already heavy-lidded. As soon as those lips came in contact with the top of his head, he could feel himself drifting away. Dreams and hallucinations never felt this warm…

The sunlight burned his retinas when he awoke, flinching back and cradling his head in his arms. Too bright, he thought grumpily, he swore he had closed the damn blinds to allow him to sleep in on his day off. He rolled over in an attempt to pull the cover over his face, yet the fabric had been too far woven around his body to be much use. Images and phrases of words blended into a collage in his mind from last night. Everything slowly began to connect again and his eyes squeezed shut, willing himself to just go back to sleep and dream he still had Chase back.

Anything was better than this.

It had been a dream, the silence, the way he avoided physically answering that last question; after all, how could Chase had been there when he was gone? It was his subconscious again. Just the thought of that sent him over the edge again, silent tears cascading down. The pain, the empty hole in his chest would never heal, not unless they found some way to bring him back. Like he had promised the unresponsive Signal Chaser, he would find a way even if it took him several years and even longer. Even if it killed him, he would do anything to bring his Chase back. Something nudged his arm and he grumbled out a tear-choked grunt as he gently swatted whatever it was away. It was probably that stray cat that had gotten in again. Chase was always insistent on feeding it and giving it shelter when it rained outside…

Wait.

Gou’s eyes opened when the nudging came again, along with several beeps that sounded quite agitated. There was only certain things that could make that noise, but all of them were locked underground with Krim, unless… His heart skipped a beat, mouth going dry as his head slowly lifted upwards to see what it was. Signal Chaser stared back at him from where it was next to his arm, not where it had been placed back onto the dresser. It was an understatement to say that his heart stopped.

Normally when he saw Chase, or Signal Chaser moving again, it had always been nothing more than a dream or a hallucination, a trick of his mind to give him his heart’s desire. Yet this wasn’t a dream, and he pinched his wrist to make sure. Gou hissed, it stung. Again a series of beeps came from the small bike, its front wheel turning this way and that in an annoyed way before it backed up and drove over the sheet to the edge of the bed before facing the ex-Rider.

Gou’s eyebrows furrowed; what was Signal Chaser doing? Actually, how was the Signal Bike moving? When? A cluster of sounds, a bat being the most prominent, came from outside his window, yet when he looked past the curtains, nothing was there. Curiosity forced Gou to get up and walk unsteadily to the window to open it. Three objects darted through the gap as soon as it opened, Gou stumbling backwards against his bed and landing hard on his back, staring at the three Viral Cores, once thought to have been lost after they helped him in the battle with Banno. They settled down next to Signal Chaser, each of them offering up their own sounds to continue Chaser’s conversation.

Sadly most of what was said, if the Viral Cores could be understood like the Bikes and Cars, were lost to him; he never got the hang of understanding them - that was Kiriko, Krim, and Shin-nii-san’s expertise. Signal Chaser moved forward a few inches, tilting its tire towards Chase’s license. Its little sound effects were more urgent, yet still angry sounding, evident even more when it ran into the nearest appendage it could find – his arm - over and over again until he fell out of bed. Gou’s sounds of pain were ignored as Signal Chaser rolled towards the edge of the bed, front tire changing positions. For a split second, Gou swore it was laughing at him.

“What?” He was exasperated on what the damn thing was saying, rubbing his arm where the thing had slammed into. The Viral Cores rolled on up behind the bike, each once more trying to speak to him, the bat flying off the bed and landing next to the license. Something about Chase? For a moment he frowned, trying to process exactly what they possibly could be saying when he realized something rather important. Harley understood them… That and he just briefly remembered him saying he had actually kept Proto-Speed from being locked up with Krim and was working on it.

Chase’s memories were in there, old memories but still him. And then the fact that Signal Chaser _was_ made from Chase’s Mashin Chaser form, was actually _him_. There had to be a reason why it finally ‘woke up’ after so long… Without even bothering to change out of his pajamas, Gou leapt to his feet and ran towards the door, swinging it outwards before his body paused. He could feel the Viral Cores and Signal Chaser watching him, waiting. His eyes darted back to Chase’s license, and then traveled to the photograph. The smiles… He yearned to see them again.

“I’ll bring him back.” There was determination burning within him and he turned around and ran out of the room, never glancing back. The Viral Cores and Signal Chaser followed him and he could feel a smile begin to form. There was hope. He could see Chase again, he knew it, they just had to work harder.

“Professor!”


End file.
